I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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