saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
