I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
