The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
