It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
