I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
