he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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