when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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