I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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