Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
