My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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