btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
