The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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