Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
