I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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