Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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