cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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