Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
