9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
