I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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