Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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