I wish my penis had an off switch
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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