woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
