About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize