how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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