Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
