I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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