everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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