I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
