this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
