Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
