i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
