I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
