im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
