This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's official drugs can't kill me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
