I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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