thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
