Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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