we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
