so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
