Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
