I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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