Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
