I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
