I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
