How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
