glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
