I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
