she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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