These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
