Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize