I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there was a trapeze. enough said
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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