i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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