and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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