sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
